Let's Reenact the Ides of March on the 7th

Et tu Chris 1.0?

As most Smack readers know, last year I had a real thing for Bellevue escapees named Chris. If you made ear chopping, turpentine drinkin' Vincent Van Gogh look well adjusted and your name was Chris chances are we had a romantic encounter in 2008. Having decided that a turpentintini wasn't my drink and broke ass bitches were not really a treat, I vowed to end this streak in 2009. So far: success. However, crazy like a diamond and that scar I got when I decided I could do a drunk handstand, are forever. Recently, Chris 1.0 and 2.0 have contacted me both posturing for a room and sex. Now I know that Chris 1.0 just came back from Las Vegas so perhaps he crossed my line with a local Las Vegas bordello, but last time I checked I don't rent rooms or myself. As noted in an earlier post for anything less than a million dollars (read 20,000) I am going to pretend that I am morally above prostitution. And although I am rather proud of my scone recipe and I do remind people not to flush condoms down my toilet, that is where the similarities between myself and a Bed and Breakfast end.

First, a few weeks ago a text message from Chris 2.0:

C2.0: "Hey I was thinking I would come over"
TDS: "I don't really think so, is something going on at your apartment?"
C2.0: "No, I just want to have sex with you."

Wow. I've never experienced romance quite like that before. Light the candles and pull down the shades I'm powerless against your charm. One Smack reader applauded Chris 2.0 for "being upfront." I can understand how this dear reader might have interpreted that text as an attempt to put aside the small talk and get to the point. Or an honest request. However, having dated Chris 2.0 I can assure all readers that the pretext was left out only because he was too lazy to type up four more texts. Frankly I was surprised the message didn't read "f.u. 2nite?" I think the use of capital letters and a period was an attempt to butter me up.

The same smack reader who applauded this "upfront" tactic was surprised (for serious) to learn that I turned Chris 2.0 down. Stating "it could be fun if you had an understanding." Yes I think the understanding would go something like this: I, the TDS, agree to let you have my last tiny shread of dignity (read that bitch left years ago) so long as you agree to come over here with plenty of booze and leave my apartment before I wake up the next day so I can assure myself that you coming over was nothing more than a very realistic night terror.

Second, a BlackBerry message today from Chris 1.0:

C1.0: I'm sleeping at your place on the 7th
TDS: Are you kidding?
C1.0: No
TDS: I doubt I'll be home
C1.0: Look just be there, OK?
TDS: (stunned radio silence)

My BlackBerry has been very slow recently, so at first I assumed that perhaps this conversation was stored from 9 months ago and was just now being relayed to my Berry. This type of snippy conversation about spending the night could have taken place while we were together. That's it BlackBerry dealy. However, within seconds I was snapped back into reality, 9 months ago I didn't have a BlackBerry. And perhaps more importantly I was answering in real time. So unless I was speaking with the memory of Chris 1.0 (in which case someone should contact A&E's ghost hunters or at least Vivica A Fox and her psychic friends) this insane conversation was actually happening TODAY, months after we broke up. I am not sure which surprises me more: the request itself OR the annoyed tone of BBM with which I'm being addressed.

"Just be there." Yes I will thank you, I live there, you however, do not and consequently will not be there. I considered making an excuse "oh I have a party that night", "oh I'll probably be working", "oh I'm going in for my gender reassignment surgery that night". But then I decided I don't have to make an excuse for why I do not feel the need to house and/or sleep with my exboyfriend (and really I mean AND because let's face it, if he's in the same place as my wine rack I'm bound to do something I'll live to regret). I decided to just say no and so that's the last message I sent him. Now most Smack readers may assume that means case closed. But I know Chris 1.0, there is a 50/50 chance he shows up on March 7th. If you find yourself in the Hoboken area with nothing to do on March 7th and you've always wanted to see me hurl an overnight bag at another human being then please feel free to head over to my place. Afterwards we can toast to Caesar, exboyfriends, leprechauns and light weight carry on bags. And if all else fails bring your toga, a butter knife and your lawyer's telephone number.

xoxo

tds