Friends without Benefits

Now as many Smack readers may know, I like to get involved in the craziest relationships. But it's 2009 and I have decided to STOP getting into crazy relationships and instead get involved in really unworkable ones. Much Better. Quick back story I have been chatting with someone from LA for the last two months, let's call him Mr. LA (more clever nicknames welcomed). Now Mr. LA and I spend a lot of time talking on the phone (about 1 1/2 each night) and from what I can tell he's smart, funny and sweet (obvi not my type) with an incredibly anxious streak and a touch of OCD (there we go--there's my guy). I am actually quite enamoured with him despite the fact that this seems like a bad idea (read I do not live anywhere near LA--at all. The closest I am to an LA recently was when I went to visit stylista Ms. W on Lexington Avenue).

Anywho, Mr. LA told me that his best friend recently moved to NYC and that he really wanted us to meet. Now impressing friends is always one of those tasks that are dreaded relationship obligations bested only by meeting family. Not only is this impressing a friend but a best friend. NOT GOOD. Best friends have the most sway. If my date met my two best friends and either of them had anything negative to say that would be a major disappointment. To make matters worse Mr. LA will obviously not be there to supervise. Usually you can rely on your date to steer your towards pleasant topics and away from negative ones. For example your date can indicate to you jokes about Shark Week will not be well received by their peg legged friend. Also what is the expectation here, will we have to make regular dates with one anohter? Worse yet what if at the end of our friend evaluation I get the "don't call me I'll call you"? Obviously I will need to conduct this meeting at a bar so that if things start going sour I can have a few drinks. After about 2 martinis no matter how the evaluation is going, in my mind it will be AH-mazing. I will think to myself "you are being so funny and I bet you look amazing" never mind that I am really sweating bullets and am barely speaking English.

Frankly I am also bothered by the fact that things are getting so serious without other benefits. Who meets people's friends without first having had sex? I feel cheated. I haven't even got a kiss out of this and I have to meet your friends? Not right. I don't see a hall of mirrors or a Pennsylvania horse, this isn't 18th Century France or Amish country, if I'm meeting friends I better at least get some encouraging kisses beforehand and listening to smooching noises over the phone so does NOT count. Ali G. Bell is giving you some major side eye. On the other hand not knowing anything about this skill set opens up a whole new line of dialogue with the friend:

Me: (uggg look at this mess) Oh hi nice to meet you!
Ms. NYC by way of LA: (gross...check out this trick) Hi!
Me: So I don't want to waste your time, I'll get right to it. On a scale from 1 to 10. 1 being John Wayne Bobbit circa 1994 and 10 being I thought they could only do that in the movies, how's Mr. LA in bed. You're the bff I'm sure you've heard stories
Ms. NYC by way of LA: ...

Oh the other hand this might be a topic best left with Shark Week. Any friend meeting tips from sexy Smack readers would be greatly appreciated!

xoxo

tds